A lot can change in a few months..

I'm beginning to realise just how much has changed in the space of just a few months.

Just a little while ago I was at my friends house talking about life and how things were going at that time. I was in tears because I felt so far away from God and, to be perfectly honest, I wasn't sure if he was even real.

Just a little while ago I was in sixth form. There were people I was 'friends' with, but were clearly having a really bad influence on me. But I saw them at school everyday and had no idea how to get out of the situation.

Just a little while ago I thought that I would go through sixth form and then have absolutely no idea what would happen next. Questioning my faith made this even more of a struggle as I wondered if there really was anyone guiding me, or if I was alone in this.

Just a little while ago I was saying that I wanted to move away from home, or at least spend some time away from home.

Just a little while ago I felt like I didn't really have any true friends. I lacked the Christian friends I needed to help keep me on track.

Just a little while ago I was becoming dependent on relationships with boys. I felt like I needed to be in a relationship with someone to feel happy and complete.

Just a little while ago I decided to step back from leading worship because I felt like I was cheating people by leading them in something that I wasn't sure if it was even real.



Isn't it amazing how quickly God can change things around?

I know now that God is very much real. I've experienced his presence and Him speaking to me. He guides me everyday and helps me make so many decisions.

I'm now out of sixth form. I'm not in the friendship groups I was before and have moved on from the things that they had led me to.

I now know my plan for the first half of next year. I know that God will guide me after those six months. I still don't know where I'll be, but I have faith that God has it all planned out.

In about three months time, I'll be going away from home for 6 months. I'll have my time away from home to see what it's really like. I might miss home and decide to come back for a while before I move out. Or I might decide I really like it and move away.

I now have so many really good friends who are mostly Christians. We have so much fun together. We meet up loads and just chat and have a laugh together. We support each other and are always there for each other.

I'm starting to learn that I need to depend on God. I need to strengthen my relationship with him before I get into any relationship with a guy. God will make me feel happy and complete. Any other relationship is a bonus.

I now really crave to lead worship again. I'm so passionate about it. However, I only have a couple of months left at church until I go to ywam, so I might not get to lead worship much for a little while!


I really hope that this post encourages people. Just a few months ago, I was in such a rubbish place. God has changed that. Things still aren't perfect, but they probably won't ever be. God is working with you and in you. Things will get so much better. Sometimes you need to go through a trial. It makes you so much stronger and things will change through that.

Situations change. But as long as you keep God in your life and in your decisions, everthing will work together for your good.

Insecurities and body image

I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago about my body and how I feel about it. I want to share it with you and write about where I am now. So here's what I wrote: 

'I've started to realise that, quite a bit of the time, the way my body looks makes me unhappy.

There's so much in the media these days about being 'too fat' or 'too skinny'. As much as I don't want to, I find myself looking in the mirror sometimes wishing I looked like the 'ideal woman'. I feel far from it.

I know I'm not overweight, infact I'm closer to being underweight. It's just the way my body looks that I sometimes struggle to see as 'attractive'. I always manage to find something I see as an imperfection that makes me feel rubbish and unhappy. I know that God has made me perfectly and that it doesn't matter what other people think about me. However, I struggle to really know, understand, and live in this truth. 

Something else that I struggle with at the moment is people saying 'As long as you're happy and healthy it doesn't matter what size you are or how you look'. I know this is true and people are right to be saying this. The problem I have is that I'm not healthy and I'm not always happy. 

Other than being on my feet for 4-5 hours each day at work, I get no exercise. I don't eat particularly well either, but because I haven't gained any weight in a long time, I have no motivation to try to be healthier. I'm not too happy because I don't feel attractive. I feel insecure. I put a swimming costume on the other week and it made me cry.

I don't feel confident about my body. I want that to change. I don't want to change the way I look, I just want to get healthy and happy. I want to feel confident enough to wear a bikini to go swimming in. I want to know the way my body looks doesn't matter. I want to concentrate on living for God, rather than how the clothes I'm wearing make me look. 

I think I know how to get to this point. I just need to get going.'

Right now, I feel okay about my body. I bought some new clothes recently - ones that make me feel good. It's helped. I think God has helped me with this as well by helping to change my mindset and the way I look at myself. When I get dressed in the mornings now, I just put on what makes me feel happy, rather than what makes me look best or what can hide my body the best. I feel confident. I feel happier. My body isn't on my mind all the time. I'm still not healthy, but I'm considering what I eat a bit more and trying not to eat that extra bit of chocolate or that extra few chicken nuggets... I know I have a long way to go until I'm actually healthy, but hopefully I'll get there and I'll feel even better about myself.

For anyone who is struggling with their body image right now, just know that it does get better. The days you spend crying over how you look will end. You're beautiful. Understand that. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you're beautiful the way you are. Try to get healthier if you're not already. Maybe do a bit more exercise - it really will make you feel good about yourself. Maybe go out and buy some clothes that make you feel reeeeeally good. It's hard when you feel like rubbish, but if you put your mind to it, things will get better.