This blog is going to be slightly different to my last few. My focus is going to be on body image and the struggles I've faced as this is something that I feel very passionate about and believe needs to be shared.
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DISCLAIMER: I am in no way saying that we should look a certain way, and I'm not saying that the size I am now or was before are bad - everyone is different and our body's work differently. I don't think that we need to be a certain weight to be healthy - I'm focusing more on the way we think about ourselves. I am going to be sharing honestly the mindset I have found myself in which I've found to be toxic. Lastly, if you think reading this and/or looking at the images may be a trigger for you then please look after yourself and don't read it, but feel free to message me on here or on Instagram to chat!
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Over the past year or two I've found myself looking through old photos from 3-4 years ago when I was about 17/18 years old. At the time that most of the photos were taken I was size 8, and I'm now about size 12. I've often found myself wishing that I was the same weight now as I was then. I would look at the photos and think about how happy I must have been about being the weight I was and the way that I looked.
A few months ago or so I was thinking about this, and something clicked in my mind: the girl in those photos was not happy.
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| This photo was taken when I was about 17 |
High School and Sixth Form were really tough times for me for numerous reasons, and this caused a lot of stress, and when I'm stressed my appetite often goes out of the window (I'm not the best at dealing with stress!).
I also remember often thinking that I was overweight through high school. I would tell myself that I was the 'fat one' at school. Looking back, there was no way that I was overweight. My mum has always given me a healthy balanced diet (she used to be a personal trainer and fitness instructor so had lots of training in healthy eating stuff!) and I used to go to the hospital a couple of times a year for check ups for Coeliac disease where they monitored my weight among other things.
Because of these thoughts, I would try to exercise and eat either healthily or not much when I was in Sixth form to try and lose weight. doing this on top of being stressed and not having much of an appetite anyway was a recipe for disaster.
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| This is around 3 years later |
I felt like I just needed to keep losing weight. I never saw myself as underweight: just that I needed to be smaller than I already was. One time I tried to work out everyday for as long as possible, and it got to the point where I almost fainted and had to stop (probably because I was working out loads and not eating enough to give myself energy). I was obsessed with my weight and would sometimes weigh myself multiple times through the day. My mum said to me a couple of times that I looked unhealthily thin and needed to put on weight, but I just thought it was one of those things mum's say to make you feel better about yourself that isn't really true.
I had never seen any of this as an issue. I never really told anyone how I was feeling as I didn't think there was a problem. I had often thought that it was just part of growing up and my body changing, which it most likely was partly. But my mindset was definitely not good. I am very blessed in that this time has mostly passed, and although I do sometimes still struggle with these thoughts, I am now a healthy weight and am no longer focusing on how my body looks all the time. I am learning to be happy with the body I have as this is how I was made and it is perfect the way it is. I wish I could tell you exactly how I got to where I am today, but to be honest I wasn't even fully aware I was on this journey at the time. One thing I have done to help, however, is try to focus on taking care of my body as well as not weighing myself. I've found that changing my focus in this way has helped a lot. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking the talk but not walking the walk, but our words have so much power, and so telling yourself that your weight and the way you look is not important can have a massive impact.
What's the point in this blog?
I really want this blog to be helpful for anyone who may be going through what I did, or something similar, as well as to raise awareness of this issue.
We are constantly surrounded by images on social media of the 'ideal' body. There are so many adverts out there for weight loss treatments and diets (That don't work in the long term by the way..) to loose weight that we don't need to loose.
We need to rise above all of this and support each other.
You are gorgeous the way you are. You don't need to change yourself in any way. Focus on your mind - your mental health is just as important as your physical health.
I'd love to hear from you! Feel free to leave a comment below or message me on Instagram to share your thoughts or your own story.
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