How I lost over a stone

I haven't posted in a while.. but I wanted to pop back and make a few posts about things that are current in my life.

As I mentioned a bit in an Instagram post a while back, I have struggled with my mental health over the last year and a half (hence why I haven't been able to keep up with posting on here). In this time I put on a bit of weight (why is the yummiest and most comforting food the unhealthiest?!).

I wasn't overweight, but I wasn't healthy and wasn't happy with how I felt in my body. I also wasn't exercising which was causing me to have back problems (I have mild scoliosis and knees that like to put me in a lot of pain..a whole other story!).

To cut a long story short that I hope to share more about soon, one day after months of considering and wanting to start workout again but never doing it, I decided that enough was enough and I just needed to go for it. I put on my workout gear and went out for a run. It wasn't easy, but it felt AMAZING!!

After that first run, I decided it was time to start working out and eating better, as I knew this is something that has helped many others who have struggled with their mental health as well as it being a good thing to do for your overall health.

Now, there's a lot of crazy diets out there that a lot of people follow in order to loose weight quickly. However, I grew up with a mum who used to be a personal trainer and fitness instructor, and also had training in nutrition and all that jazz, so I know that crash diets like that, although they do what they say on the tin, don't help you loose weight in the long term, and just aren't healthy and sustainable. I wanted and needed something that I could keep up with hopefully for the rest of my life in order to stay healthy. I also knew I needed to be super careful, as I've had problems with body image in the past (I wrote a blog about it a while ago - worth a read if I do say so myself!) and so I knew I didn't want it to be something that would take over my whole life in a negative way.

I figured that the best way to do that was to start tracking my calories. I found an app called 'My Fitness Pal' (not sponsored.. I wish! But I would highly recommend!). It is absolutely great and has changed my life completely. You can put in your current weight, your goal weight, how much weight you want to loose or gain weekly as well as in total, and how active you are. It then calculates how many calories you need to consume each day to meet your goals, as well as the amount of different nutrients you need and the right balance of carbs/fat/protein. you can also upload progress photos if you want, and every time you weigh yourself and have lost weight, you can track it to see how close to your goal you are. (Please be careful if you use this app - it is very easy to become obsessed with tracking calories. It's important to find a good balance. If you ever find yourself becoming obsessive over your calorie intake please speak to a health professional and look after yourself)

Having this app has been great. Not only can I make sure I'm not over eating, I can also ensure I'm not under eating (which doesn't actually help you loose weight!). This wasn't the only thing I did though. I also started working out more. I aim to work out 3 times a week for around 30-60 minutes. I do a mix of different workouts so that I don't get bored. You Tube is great for this as there are loads of workout videos you can follow!

Having said all of this, it's important to say that I don't always stick to this. Sometimes I do overeat, and sometimes I don't meet my workout goals, but that's okay. Like I said, I want this to be something I can keep up as a lifestyle rather than just a crash diet for a few months that I then give up on. Something sustainable. And I've still been able to loose over a stone without missing out on yummy food!

Sometimes I manage to do all my workouts and sometimes I don't for various reasons. I make sure I don't put pressure on myself to work out if I'm very busy - uni and work are my priority's so if I'm too busy or need a rest then I'll leave it for another day. This works so well for me, as I know that this is something I could easily keep up for years, but it's still enough to keep me fit and healthy. If I'm going out for a meal, or it's a birthday or holiday, I'll still enjoy myself and eat plenty of yummy food, but I make sure that once that's over I get back to eating well and working out.

I know this may all sound pretty simple and that loosing weight surely isn't that easy, but if I'm honest it hasn't always been as easy as it sounds. Sticking to something like this can be hard. It's important to constantly remind yourself of why you're doing this. There's so much information on the NHS website about why it's important to stay fit and healthy - I find just reading that can be a good motivation! Also reminding yourself of how good it feels when you've completed a workout or eaten a healthy lunch is a great motivator. (Please be aware that for some loosing weight isn't easy due to health reasons so don't be disheartened by what the scales may say - it's all about what you're fuelling your body with and how you're treating it rather than seeing a certain number when you weigh yourself.)

I honestly feel so much better. I've seen massive changes in my body - I visibly look a lot different, and I feel sooooo much healthier and happier. I'm in no way saying that everyone needs to workout and eat differently, or that everyone needs to loose weight, and I really hope that's not what comes across here. I think it's so important to look after ourselves both mentally and physically, and doing this has helped me in both of these ways and may help many others too.


I'd love to hear from you! Have you found something that helps you stay fit and healthy? Let me know in the comments or over on Instagram of Facebook!

Struggles with Body Image: My Story

Body image: something that I'm sure most of us have or will struggle with at least once in our lives. It's such a horrible thing to struggle with, yet it's so common.

This blog is going to be slightly different to my last few. My focus is going to be on body image and the struggles I've faced as this is something that I feel very passionate about and believe needs to be shared.

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DISCLAIMER: I am in no way saying that we should look a certain way, and I'm not saying that the size I am now or was before are bad - everyone is different and our body's work differently. I don't think that we need to be a certain weight to be healthy - I'm focusing more on the way we think about ourselves. I am going to be sharing honestly the mindset I have found myself in which I've found to be toxic. Lastly, if you think reading this and/or looking at the images may be a trigger for you then please look after yourself and don't read it, but feel free to message me on here or on Instagram to chat!

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Over the past year or two I've found myself looking through old photos from 3-4 years ago when I was about 17/18 years old. At the time that most of the photos were taken I was size 8, and I'm now about size 12. I've often found myself wishing that I was the same weight now as I was then. I would look at the photos and think about how happy I must have been about being the weight I was and the way that I looked.

A few months ago or so I was thinking about this, and something clicked in my mind: the girl in those photos was not happy. 

This photo was taken when I was about 17

High School and Sixth Form were really tough times for me for numerous reasons, and this caused a lot of stress, and when I'm stressed my appetite often goes out of the window (I'm not the best at dealing with stress!). 

I also remember often thinking that I was overweight through high school. I would tell myself that I was the 'fat one' at school. Looking back, there was no way that I was overweight. My mum has always given me a healthy balanced diet (she used to be a personal trainer and fitness instructor so had lots of training in healthy eating stuff!) and I used to go to the hospital a couple of times a year for check ups for Coeliac disease where they monitored my weight among other things. 

Because of these thoughts, I would try to exercise and eat either healthily or not much when I was in Sixth form to try and lose weight. doing this on top of being stressed and not having much of an appetite anyway was a recipe for disaster. 

This is around 3 years later

I felt like I just needed to keep losing weight. I never saw myself as underweight: just that I needed to be smaller than I already was. One time I tried to work out everyday for as long as possible, and it got to the point where I almost fainted and had to stop (probably because I was working out loads and not eating enough to give myself energy). I was obsessed with my weight and would sometimes weigh myself multiple times through the day. My mum said to me a couple of times that I looked unhealthily thin and needed to put on weight, but I just thought it was one of those things mum's say to make you feel better about yourself that isn't really true.

I had never seen any of this as an issue. I never really told anyone how I was feeling as I didn't think there was a problem. I  had often thought that it was just part of growing up and my body changing, which it most likely was partly. But my mindset was definitely not good. I am very blessed in that this time has mostly passed, and although I do sometimes still struggle with these thoughts, I am now a healthy weight and am no longer focusing on how my body looks all the time. I am learning to be happy with the body I have as this is how I was made and it is perfect the way it is. I wish I could tell you exactly how I got to where I am today, but to be honest I wasn't even fully aware I was on this journey at the time. One thing I have done to help, however, is try to focus on taking care of my body as well as not weighing myself. I've found that changing my focus in this way has helped a lot. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking the talk but not walking the walk, but our words have so much power, and so telling yourself that your weight and the way you look is not important can have a massive impact.

What's the point in this blog?

I really want this blog to be helpful for anyone who may be going through what I did, or something similar, as well as to raise awareness of this issue. 

We are constantly surrounded by images on social media of the 'ideal' body. There are so many adverts out there for weight loss treatments and diets (That don't work in the long term by the way..) to loose weight that we don't need to loose. 

We need to rise above all of this and support each other. 

You are gorgeous the way you are. You don't need to change yourself in any way. Focus on your mind - your mental health is just as important as your physical health.

I'd love to hear from you! Feel free to leave a comment below or message me on Instagram to share your thoughts or your own story.

Why I Stopped Buying Clothes: Fast Fashion's Devastating Impact

Last year I decided I needed to stop buying new clothes.

When I say stopped buying new clothes, of course I still buy things that I need to otherwise eventually I wouldn't have anything to wear at all! I only  buy things that are second hand (except for clothes from companies that I know are environmentally friendly. And underwear and socks. That would just be weird)

I had a few reasons for doing this. The first few are pretty simple.

Firstly, I did it to save money. New clothes can be expensive. You know the saying, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Buying a stripey t-shirt that looks exactly the same as that other stripey t-shirt you already have and rarely wear (we've all been there..) isn't great and is a waste of money in my eyes. I'd much rather save money towards moving out!

My second reason is that I simply don't have the space! At the moment I have a makeshift wardrobe in my bedroom (which is supposed to be a sitting room...) consisting of about 12 cube storage unit spaces and a clothes rail. I still have a wardrobe in my old bedroom upstairs which still has some of my clothes in. Even with two spaces for clothes in the house, my wardrobe(s) are overflowing... and I REALLY enjoy shopping. I decided I needed to start getting rid of clothes that I don't wear and only keep the things I know I wear regularly.


However, my main reason for doing this is because of the devastating impact fast fashion is having on the environment.

Here's a few of the facts for you:

• The fashion industry is the 2nd worst polluter in the world! The only industry that is worse is oil. 
• Growing plants like cotton is using up so much water that even huge bodies of water have completely dried up (see picture below for an example), affecting the local climate and the people who live in those areas. It takes up to 2,700 litres of water just to make one cotton t-shirt!
• Water is being polluted by the factories that are making the clothes we wear, and they're polluting it with really harmful substances. This creates issues with the wildlife living in the water (resulting in most, if not all wildlife in the water dying.) and for the people who's main and maybe only water source is polluted and unsafe to use to wash and drink.
• The pesticides used to grow cotton etc at a fast enough rate to meet demand are being linked to illnesses that the people growing them are experiences. I read in one place that one farmer had a brain tumour which was caused by the pesticides!
• Fast fashion is causing high amounts of waste. Clothes are being made as cheap and quickly as possible, meaning the quality is forfeited and they don't last as long, and they end up being thrown in the bin and creating more waste than there already is.

This is just one area of water that has been affected by the industry. Taken from News.com.au

I watched a really interesting documentary on the BBC by Stacey Dooley about the fashion industry's impact on the environment. I got a lot of the above information from this program, but one of the main things that was shocking was that almost non of the companies she contacted about these issues were willing to speak to her, or even make a comment about it. Does this mean that these companies know the impact they're having on the environment and they don't want to admit it? Clearly as long as we're consuming and the demand is there, nothing will change.

Just one example of polluted water. Taken from The Independent

Is there anything we can do?

I am in no way saying that everyone has to stop buying new clothes all together. That's what I have decided to do after finding out the information I have spoken about above. However it is most likely the only way that companies are going to realise something needs to change. The less demand we create, the more they'll realise they need to change the way they make and sell clothes.

If stopping buying new clothes is something you don't feel able to do, there are other things you can do to make a difference.

When you are shopping, ask yourself these questions to decide if you really need to buy something:

- How many of your current clothes will it go with? Will it be the kind of things you only wear once a month because you can only make one outfit with it?
- Is it high quality? Will it last a long time or end up in landfill after only a few wears?
- Do you already have something similar? If it looks exactly the same as those other black jeans you have, maybe you don't need it.

You could also try only buying new clothes when you need to replace something, such as a pair of leggings that have a hole in them.

Lastly, I highly recommend downloading the apps Vinted and Depop. I've bought quite a few bits from these apps and they're great. You're protected by their buyers policies so it's all safe. (I'm selling a few bits on these apps too! On Vinted my user name is Caitlan43, and on Depop it's cait425.)

Realising the impact we're having on our planet is such a hard thing to hear about, but we're the only ones who can make a change. You may think that just changing the way you personally shop won't make a difference, but what if everyone who thought that did in fact make these changes in their life? It starts with YOU.


Let me know in the comments your thoughts on this topic and anything you're going to do to help save the environment from the fashion industry - I'd love to hear from you!

First Steps to Zero Waste

While starting my journey to living zero waste, there have been a few things that I have found really easy to change, that cut down waste massively. I've decided to compile a list of a few things that I have changed, that you too can do if you are aiming towards a zero or low waste life, or just if you want to do your bit to help the planet. I'm going to share my favourite products and tips that should help you at the start of your journey.

1) Get reusable everything. I'm talking bags, straws, coffee cups, and anything else you can possibly think of or find. Cut out single use plastics and products. Although some of these can be recycled, it still takes energy to produce them and uses up other unnecessary resources, and so not using them at all is best. I have a good collection of reusable straws now, and I make sure I have a couple in my bag wherever I go just in case. I also carry shopping bags with me so I never have to buy a single use plastic bag. Our fridge has a collection of reusable travel coffee cups on top of it which I try my best to use whenever I go out for coffee. Most big chain coffee shops will give you either a discount or reward if you take a travel cup with you which is even more of a reason to do this! I also use washable makeup wipes which are amazing, and I'm currently testing out using washable sanitary towels and a Moon-cup - I'll keep you posted on how they work out!

2) Buy beauty/wash products with no packaging. I've found that lush has been amazing for this. They have shampoo bars and soaps that have no packaging at all, and if you choose to use packaging, it is made out of recycled material and so can be recycled. They also have no packaging options for pretty much all of their products which is great. It's not necessarily the cheapest option, but I find the products mostly last longer than normal packaged ones, and I personally don't mind spending a little extra if it will help the environment in the long run. The products I currently use are the shampoo bars, soap, toothpaste tablets, deodorant and body conditioner.  

3) Stop buying new clothes! The fashion industry has a HUGE impact on the environment - it's the second biggest pollutant in the world, and buying cheap new clothes that only last a month or go out of fashion after a couple of weeks is only making things worse. Buy second hand whenever you can - sites like vinted and depop are great (I have a few items I'm selling on these sites! check out my Instagram to find these), and charity shops are great if you rummage through all the clothes they have. Of course this gets slightly tricky when it comes to underwear and socks. I still haven't quite cracked this one, but I think researching into where the products you are buying come from and how they are made helps you to find the ones with the least environmental impact. 

4) Switch to a compostable toothbrush. You can get these for around 60p off amazon, and they're no different to a normal toothbrush, except they don't harm the environment. 

5) Buy lose fruit and veg, and take your own produce bags to put them in. A thin sheet of plastic really doesn't do anything to protect the food, so just buy them without! This also means you can buy the exact amount you need so nothing is wasted. 

6) Stop buying things you don't need, and ask people to buy you specific items for your birthday or for Christmas to avoid gifts that will go to waste. If you are ever given something you know you won't use, give it to a friend or donate it to charity - better to help someone else out than see something go to waste. It's also so easy to go to a shop for one thing and come out with ten - I struggle with this a lot! It's something to keep persevering at! 

7) Try to reuse the waste you do create wherever possible. I love turning jars into candles, or using them to store things in. You can also use plastic food trays to put paint in or to grow seeds to avoid having to buy something especially. Turn old socks into sock monkeys or other animals, fill old bottles with rice to make skittles for a little game of bowling, cut the front off a birthday card and reuse it for someone else, used old toilet roll tubes to make Christmas crackers. Be creative with your waste - you can do more with it than you think!

As I always say, going zero waste is a journey. You won't be able to achieve all your goals over night, but these are a few things you can aim to start with. Something I find helpful is to be looking for and testing out a new product before I get to the end of the one I currently have. For example, I was testing out shampoo's while I still had an old bottle of shampoo so that if it didn't work out it wouldn't matter. Things can also be a bit more pricey than 'normal' products, but they more often than not will last a lot longer, and are of a higher quality. And personally, I think it's completely worth spending the extra money if it helps the planet in the long run!

Let me know in the comments if you have any other tips and tricks for going zero waste, or any products you love!

Zero Waste: what and why?

I'm currently at the beginning of  a journey.
I'm aiming towards a zero waste lifestyle.


What is a zero waste or low waste lifestyle?

A zero waste lifestyle is when you have no waste from your daily life - you buy or grow food and use products with no rubbish to go in the bin - not even recycling. Low waste is similar, except you still create some waste but keep the amount as low as possible. This is done by doing things like reusing waste you have created, or simply buying things without packaging or with packaging that can be composted. The aim is to stop our planet being filled with our rubbish which ends up in landfill, being burnt, or worse still in the ocean. There's only so much rubbish our planet can handle, and reducing the amount we produce should help the planet to last longer for future generations.

taken from gurly.blog.

Why am I going zero waste?

I've always been conscious of recycling and what impact I'm having on the planet, but I've become a lot more passionate about it and aware of it over the last few months. A big turning point for me was after watching a programme by a journalist called Stacey Dooley about the fashion industry's impact on the environment. I will be making a whole other post on this programme at a later date, but watching it really opened my eyes to just how much we are spoiling the earth we live in for our consumerist lifestyles. We're constantly being told we need to go out and buy the latest clothes, and that our old clothes are ugly and we need to just throw them out. We're told we need to buy the biggest and best presents for friends and family at Christmas and birthday's. We need to buy lots of processed food and fruit and veg that has been grown using chemicals and packaged in unnecessary plastic that can't be recycled, and the wonky 'unsuitable' ones are thrown out.

Ultimately these things are harming the planet, creating an uncertain future for us and future generations.

The fashion industry is polluting the earth and using up the water we have. The food industry is creating silly amounts of unnecessary waste. Something needs to change, and until we stop buying into everything we are being told by shops about needing more than we actually do, nothing is going to change.


My aim is to do whatever I can to cut back on the waste I am producing. I'm still in the process of figuring out how to do this. This is a journey. It's not something that will magically happen over night. It happens by making small changes, one at a time, until I reach my goal.


So far I've changed:

- The shampoo I use (I'm still using up an old bottle of shampoo, but I have a shampoo bar from lush which is amazing!)

- The toothbrushes and toothpaste I use (I'm using toothbrushes that can be composted when you're finished with them, and toothpaste tablets)

- The soap I use (I've been getting soap from lush too as it have no packaging and is made with kind ingredients)

- The razor I use (A lovely friend of mine got me an environmentally friendly razor for Christmas)

- The way I shop (I no longer buy new clothes unless I know they have been made in a sustainable way. I mostly shop in charity/thrift shops, and online at places like Depop and Vinted. I also try to be conscious of other products and the packaging they are in, how long they will last, and if they can be recycled. I also never buy plastic bags and take my own wherever I go. If I ever get caught out and don't have a bag, I will only buy one that can be reused that is ideally not plastic)

- The products I use for my 'time of the month' (I have bought a moon cup and washable towels. This is something that is taking a bit of time to make the switch, but I'm getting there!)

Because I'm still living at home with my parents, there are some things that I can't really change now, like the food in the house and the packaging it comes in. I would also love to get makeup that is all zero waste, but as I said, this is a journey, and I won't be able to change everything over night. There are lots of products to test,and not all of them work for everyone.



This is a journey that I will be sharing on my blog as time goes on. I will share the things I struggle with, the things I find easy, and any tips I find help. I'd also love to hear any tips you have, or any products you have found - let me know in the comments, or contact me through my Instagram (@beautifully.made97) or Facebook (Beautifully made and unfinished)

Breaking the Mould

It's been a while, but I'm back!

The last time I posted on this blog was just over two years ago. Life has moved on a little bit since then, and I'm excited to share with you what has been going on! But first...

Welcome to my blog! 

If you're new here, welcome! I really hope you enjoy reading the content I make and that it inspires you in some way. I just wanted to share a bit about where I'm at in my life right now, as well as my plans for the blog.

What have I been up to?

As I've already said, it's been over two years since I last posted an update on this blog. At the time I had been home from my DTS (I still have posts about this if you want to know more) for about 5 months, and I had just started a job as a trainee youth worker in a local church with a hope of doing a youth work degree to become qualified.

Two years on and I'm in my second year of doing a youth work degree in Cambridge, supported by the church I work for. It's not an easy degree, and there have been times that I have really struggled (doing a degree and doing placement work is tough!), but it's been an incredible experience so far and I can't wait to see what the rest of the degree will teach me.

There's more that has happened over the last couple of years, and I hope to talk about some of it as I start posting more often.

What's new?

I am aiming to post once each week or so - you can sign up for emails to notify you when I post, or you can follow my Facebook and Instagram pages search for beautifully made and unfinished on Facebook or @beautifully.made97 on Instagram) to keep up to date with my blog, as well as my daily life.

My posts will be about real life topics that are often avoided because they're 'awkward' or 'uncomfortable', as well as other topics that I am passionate about. I want to break the mould and get people talking about the things that really affect us, rather than the weather and work. A few of the things I will be posting about are the environment, the fashion industry's impact on the environment and our self esteem, mental health, faith, and relationships. I've been working on my blog for the last few months changing the layout and thinking about what my aim for the blog is and creating new content.

I'm so excited to finally be able to share what I've been doing with you, and I really hope you enjoy reading my posts. Let me know in the comments of any posts you'd like to see!

Update: Almost a year on.

Hello!

So I've kind of left this a long time, but I'm back!

A lot has happened in the last 11ish months. And I mean a lot.. kind of.

The last time I posted, I was at the start of DTS, excited about the, unknown to me, but amazing future that I knew God had already planned. And where am I now? Well, You're about to find out.

No exaggeration, DTS was such an incredible experience! It completely changed my life. I know that's cliche, but it's sooo true. I learnt so much about God, about myself, and about other people and the best way to live my life. We spent 2 completely spirit filled months in Albania. I'm not going to lie, it was very challenging at times, and I felt like breaking down and giving up a few times. But looking back, I'm so glad that we all pulled through and kept focused. Through us, God changed the lives of many people out in Albania, which I hope to write about in the future if I manage to keep this blog going again!

Leaving DTS was very emotional, having spent 6 months getting to know some amazing people from across the world, only to then leave not knowing if we'll see each other again. One of the girls from our group came to stay with me for a few days which was fun. It was strange to get back, but my life definitely wasn't normal anymore!

Through God's power, I managed to achieve some things I never thought I could. One of which was preaching at church! The week I got back home from DTS, I was asked if I would take the talk slot and share about my experience. I was the girl who, only a year before, could barely say a sentence infront of the congregation. However, I jumped at the chance to do this, and I did it! I actually spoke for around half an hour at my home church - God is so good!

Over the summer, I went to a few camps, including soul survivor. I also helped at a retreat for primary school children which was pretty cool. It was so lovely to catch up with friends too and share my experiences with them and hear what they had been up to while I was away.

So, what am I doing now?

Here's where things get pretty darn cool!

Ever since I was in High school, I've wanted to work with young people, helping them in some way with issues they face, and to equip them for the future and to enter the world. I always knew I wanted and needed to do more with my life than be in an office job or doing the same thing day in day out (not that there's anything wrong with that, just my preference). God had put a desire in my heart, and he has a plan for my like which is way better than  I could've ever imagined, and as it turns out, it really was the best thing for me to leave sixth form after a year!

In the last month or so of DTS, I was trying to figure what to do next. My plan was to spend a few months at home raising money before going back to YWAM Harpenden to join staff and take part in other courses and deepen my relationship with God. While we were in Albania, my Mum messaged me to tell me about a job opening at one of our local church to be a trainee youth worker as part of the One Programme. I was very hesitant and was fixed on my idea of going back to Harpenden. So I gave it to God and asked him to tell me three times or make it really clear to me that it was what he wanted me to do.

Now, I can't remember the exact details, but I was reminded about the opportunity a few times. In the last week or so of DTS, the deadline for applications had closed, so I took that to mean that I wasn't meant to do it.

God had other plans, however.

I was told by my mum that they had decided to extend the application deadline to give me time to apply! God was pretty much screaming in my face that I needed to do this. So I put my plans aside and applied for the job. I had an interview for it a few weeks after I got home. I just kept praying that if this was the right thing, then God would make it really clear.

So I went for the interview, baring in mind I've only had a few job interviews for places I didn't want to work at. There were about 4 people interviewing me, two of which I had known from a very young age. I left the interview feeling calm, knowing that it was all in God's hands. It felt strange knowing I would have to wait for a phone call. I had just got home and was wondering how long it'd be, when my phone started to ring. It was one of the people who interviewed me. They offered me the job there and then, just 15 minutes after I had left!

Now, I've been a trainee youth worker since September. My position lasts for a year, and after this year I've been offered to be supported by the church to do a degree in youth work.

Words can't even describe how incredible God is. He's worked in my life in ways I don't even know yet. All I know is that it's going to be an exciting future.

I dropped out of Sixth Form. I've had times when I've felt like a failure. There have been times where I felt like I was lost and I had thrown everything away. I gave my life to God, and he didn't fail to work in me and change my life.

I really hope that this encourages you.

It's never too late to make a change.

3 weeks in!

So, it's been exactly 3 weeks since I arrived at YWAM. It hasn't really been very long, but it been so amazing already, and I thought I share with you guys a bit about what's been going on.

There's ten of us trainees doing the dts, and everyone's from different parts of  the world. There's people from America, Canada, the Netherlands and shri Lanka, just to name a few. We've all bonded so quickly and I personally feel like I've known these people for ages.

Each week we have a different topic that we're taught about, and we have different speakers who come to teach us. Last week's topic was the nature and character of God, which turned out to be very challenging and thought provoking. We also have worship/intercession every morning, work duties in the afternoon, and different events in the evening's. We have small groups, and one-on-one meetings to talk about anything we're struggling with or enjoying or finding tricky - basically anything.

The atmosphere here is incredible - nothing like anything I've ever experienced. Everyone on the base is so lovely and everything is so focused on God and mission work. The first port of call for anything is prayer. It's so incredible to see something like that.

I've been feeling very at home here, although the last couple of days I've missed home a bit (mainly due to a lack of sleep...), but it's so clear that this is where im meant to be. God has been doing so much in my life since I got here, and we still have 5 more months to go! I can't wait to see what else he has in store for me, as well as what will happen when we go on outreach! There's so much more I could write about, but I don't really have the time to. I'll try my very best to keep posting, and to write about what God has been doing and the exciting things that happen!

Off I go!

Today's the day! I'm finally going on my YWAM adventure. This is going to be a really little post.....

It feels strange looking back on the last year or so and seeing how I got here. God has worked in my life so much. So many things have happened and changed to bring me here. I've grown so much as a person. I've changed the way I live my life. It's so exciting to even imagine what he has in store for me over the next few months.

Thank you to everyone who has prayed for me and been there for me when I've had stressful times. I've never felt so supported and loved! It's going to feel very strange to not see my close friends and my family for 6 months (at least we have skype!) but I know that I'm going to make even more friends while I'm there.

This is going to one incredible experience.

This is just the start.

I've been forgetting something

I've realised that, over the last few weeks, I've been forgetting something. Something big. That something is God, my faith in him, and his plans for me. He's been guiding me so clearly over the last 6 months and making it clear what he wants me to do. However, I seem  to have blocked him out for the last few weeks.

I think I've become too worried. I've been scared about moving away to do my dts training. I've let that worry control me. I've been trying to forget about what's actually happening. I've been distracting myself from God and from his plans. whenever people asked about how I feel moving away I'd unenthusiastically reply by saying I'm excited and can't wait to go. I didn't really know how to respond at all. 

God reminded me of his love and his plans for me yesterday and has eased my fears. I've been reminded that I really do need him.

We had some people round today who we haven't seen in a few years. They're a Christian couple who are family friends and now live pretty far away from us. They were talking about a trip they'd been on to Africa and how life changing it was. I suddenly realised how amazing this experience will be for me. I'm gonna meet so many new people and make so many new friends and I'll definitely leave having been changed for the better. I'll experience things that a lot of people won't, and I'll be with God every single step of the way. He'll be guiding me and I'll be following Him. I'll be trusting him more than ever before. He'll be leading me where my trust is without borders. 

I'm so grateful at the moment of God's endless love for us. No matter how many times we mess up and turn away from him, His arms are always open waiting for us to go running back to him. He paid the ultimate price for us to be in His family, and he will never give up on trying to get us to be in His family. I can't even put into words how much he loves every single one of us, no matter what we've done or where we've been in our lives. He longs to have us in his family! God knew we would be messy, and he knows we're going to mess up often. That's the whole point of the cross! 

I found this song last night (How He Loves Us). Matt Chandler speaks in parts of it explaining about Jesus dying on the cross for us. It's so so powerful. It really puts things into perspective and has helped me understand more about God's love for me. I would really recommend listening to it and really taking in what he has to say.

I've learnt that I will go through times like this. I will mess up. I will forget about my faith. God knew that in the first place and he still died for me! He's still there, waiting for me to run back into his arms. 

*   *   *

I'm leaving next Sunday to start my course with ywam. It's so close. I'm hoping to do a few more posts before I go, and to keep writing when I'm there. Please keep me in your prayers. This could be tricky for me, and I may struggle, but what would be the point in doing this if it was easy...

Doing something about it. (Getting fit finally...)

As some of you will have seen, I wrote a post a little while ago about how I was struggling with my body appearance. I didn't feel good about the way I looked and I was very unhealthy and unhappy. I knew what I needed to do to fix it, but I just didn't have the motivation to do anything.

I've finally done something. I'm fixing it.

I was laying in bed one night a little while ago, thinking about how I could get fit and healthy and what would motivate me to do it. I turned to pinterest. I started looking at pictures of people who do work out and are fit and healthy (making sure I wasn't getting too obsessive about it). That motivated me enough to start a plan to get fit.

I started off by writing rules for myself to help generally with my lifestyle so that I stop going to sleep at 2 in the morning and waking up at 10-11am and other things. This is what I came up with:
- Be asleep at 10pm every night (11pm latest depending on work)
- Wake up at 8:30-9am every day and no later
- Stick to work out plans
- Don't decide to do a workout later than I planned to (ie. in the afternoon rather than the morning)
- Keep thinking about my motivation and why I'm doing it
- Eat properly (No more McDonalds!!)
- Don't get obsessed with fitness and keep God in the centre of this to stay safe mentally.

At the moment, in terms of exercising, I'm doing a little 8 week plan where you gradually build up the amount you run each day. You do it three days a week (monday, wednesday and friday). I'm finding it so helpful as it's really pushing me to do more than I think I can.

I'm also going to try to fit in a work out each week (I'm lucky enough to have a mum who used to be a personal trainer so I'm going to try to take advantage of that until I leave for ywam) and after each run I do a few squats/sit ups etc. 

Just doing these few simple things is really making a massive difference. I feel so good about myself and I'm looking at my body in a completely different way. I also have a lot more energy and generally feel happier.

I decided right from the start of this that I want to make sure this doesn't become an obsession for me. I don't want to be obsessed with losing as much weight as possible and being a slim as possible. I'm making sure I keep praying about it and keep God in this. I also decided I wouldn't weigh myself. Because this isn't about losing weight for me, there's no point. If I was to weigh myself then I know I would soon become obsessed with the number the scales are showing and trying to lower them. Truthfully, your weight doesn't really show much at all in some cases. This image has helped me with this:                                                                                                                                                           

 

It doesn't even really need explaining...

I really hope that this will motivate people to do the same as me and take control of your like again. Fitness is so important not only for your physical health, but also your mental health. 

Also It's exactly a month until I go to ywam!! How exciting... 

A lot can change in a few months..

I'm beginning to realise just how much has changed in the space of just a few months.

Just a little while ago I was at my friends house talking about life and how things were going at that time. I was in tears because I felt so far away from God and, to be perfectly honest, I wasn't sure if he was even real.

Just a little while ago I was in sixth form. There were people I was 'friends' with, but were clearly having a really bad influence on me. But I saw them at school everyday and had no idea how to get out of the situation.

Just a little while ago I thought that I would go through sixth form and then have absolutely no idea what would happen next. Questioning my faith made this even more of a struggle as I wondered if there really was anyone guiding me, or if I was alone in this.

Just a little while ago I was saying that I wanted to move away from home, or at least spend some time away from home.

Just a little while ago I felt like I didn't really have any true friends. I lacked the Christian friends I needed to help keep me on track.

Just a little while ago I was becoming dependent on relationships with boys. I felt like I needed to be in a relationship with someone to feel happy and complete.

Just a little while ago I decided to step back from leading worship because I felt like I was cheating people by leading them in something that I wasn't sure if it was even real.



Isn't it amazing how quickly God can change things around?

I know now that God is very much real. I've experienced his presence and Him speaking to me. He guides me everyday and helps me make so many decisions.

I'm now out of sixth form. I'm not in the friendship groups I was before and have moved on from the things that they had led me to.

I now know my plan for the first half of next year. I know that God will guide me after those six months. I still don't know where I'll be, but I have faith that God has it all planned out.

In about three months time, I'll be going away from home for 6 months. I'll have my time away from home to see what it's really like. I might miss home and decide to come back for a while before I move out. Or I might decide I really like it and move away.

I now have so many really good friends who are mostly Christians. We have so much fun together. We meet up loads and just chat and have a laugh together. We support each other and are always there for each other.

I'm starting to learn that I need to depend on God. I need to strengthen my relationship with him before I get into any relationship with a guy. God will make me feel happy and complete. Any other relationship is a bonus.

I now really crave to lead worship again. I'm so passionate about it. However, I only have a couple of months left at church until I go to ywam, so I might not get to lead worship much for a little while!


I really hope that this post encourages people. Just a few months ago, I was in such a rubbish place. God has changed that. Things still aren't perfect, but they probably won't ever be. God is working with you and in you. Things will get so much better. Sometimes you need to go through a trial. It makes you so much stronger and things will change through that.

Situations change. But as long as you keep God in your life and in your decisions, everthing will work together for your good.

Insecurities and body image

I wrote in my journal a few weeks ago about my body and how I feel about it. I want to share it with you and write about where I am now. So here's what I wrote: 

'I've started to realise that, quite a bit of the time, the way my body looks makes me unhappy.

There's so much in the media these days about being 'too fat' or 'too skinny'. As much as I don't want to, I find myself looking in the mirror sometimes wishing I looked like the 'ideal woman'. I feel far from it.

I know I'm not overweight, infact I'm closer to being underweight. It's just the way my body looks that I sometimes struggle to see as 'attractive'. I always manage to find something I see as an imperfection that makes me feel rubbish and unhappy. I know that God has made me perfectly and that it doesn't matter what other people think about me. However, I struggle to really know, understand, and live in this truth. 

Something else that I struggle with at the moment is people saying 'As long as you're happy and healthy it doesn't matter what size you are or how you look'. I know this is true and people are right to be saying this. The problem I have is that I'm not healthy and I'm not always happy. 

Other than being on my feet for 4-5 hours each day at work, I get no exercise. I don't eat particularly well either, but because I haven't gained any weight in a long time, I have no motivation to try to be healthier. I'm not too happy because I don't feel attractive. I feel insecure. I put a swimming costume on the other week and it made me cry.

I don't feel confident about my body. I want that to change. I don't want to change the way I look, I just want to get healthy and happy. I want to feel confident enough to wear a bikini to go swimming in. I want to know the way my body looks doesn't matter. I want to concentrate on living for God, rather than how the clothes I'm wearing make me look. 

I think I know how to get to this point. I just need to get going.'

Right now, I feel okay about my body. I bought some new clothes recently - ones that make me feel good. It's helped. I think God has helped me with this as well by helping to change my mindset and the way I look at myself. When I get dressed in the mornings now, I just put on what makes me feel happy, rather than what makes me look best or what can hide my body the best. I feel confident. I feel happier. My body isn't on my mind all the time. I'm still not healthy, but I'm considering what I eat a bit more and trying not to eat that extra bit of chocolate or that extra few chicken nuggets... I know I have a long way to go until I'm actually healthy, but hopefully I'll get there and I'll feel even better about myself.

For anyone who is struggling with their body image right now, just know that it does get better. The days you spend crying over how you look will end. You're beautiful. Understand that. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you're beautiful the way you are. Try to get healthier if you're not already. Maybe do a bit more exercise - it really will make you feel good about yourself. Maybe go out and buy some clothes that make you feel reeeeeally good. It's hard when you feel like rubbish, but if you put your mind to it, things will get better. 

What's happening to our generation?

I saw a you tube video a few weeks ago about our generation. The person in the video was saying how he was worried about our generation. He pointed out that we live in a society where we feel we have to fit in. If we don't fit in we're bullied for it and get laughed at. He said that he's worrying because we are always told we're the leaders of the future, but are we really capable of leading?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-F9Kh3YACXE

This has really got me thinking. What really is happening to our generation? I'm worried too now. How on earth are we going to be able to be leaders? Things seem to really be going downhill, and it seems to mainly be connected to social media. It seems like people think it's cool to physically bully people, have someone film it, and then post it online for the world to see. I heard on the news yesterday that a 13 year old girl is in custody on suspicion of murder! When I was at school, I would see 13-14 year olds smoking. Girls are starting to dress so provocatively at such a young age. Kids are having sex and having babies. It's like social media has stopped people from having a childhood. Kids find these so called 'role models' and try to be like them. They try to grow up too fast.

Is there really anything we can do about this? Can we start to sort our generation out so we are ready to be the leaders of tomorrow? I think we need to start building each other up. We need to actually encourage people to be who they want to be and not laugh at them when they are! We need to stop giving people fame for bullying. We need to encourage children to understand that they don't need to try and be like their role models and that they need to be what they want to be. I know it's not something that will change over night. It probably won't solve everything, but what's the harm in us trying? I really encourage you to build others up. Actually encourage them to be them. Give people confidence in who they are and things will start to change.

We need this to happen for the sake of our future!

Also you should check out Joel's Youtube channel, it's pretty cool...

struggling with not being at school (with an update)

I'm getting to the point where I'm feeling a bit miserable being at home everyday. In the first few weeks out of education, I managed to keep myself busy. However, there's a limit to the amount of shopping and eating out a girl can do. The people I used to go to school with are all still in school, and by the time they finish for the day, I go off to work, only leaving weekends to meet up (that's if they don't have too much work to do which rarely happens for sixth-formers). I do have a few friends who are only in school part time, and a friend who's a full time mummy that I get to meet up with. But that's not something to keep me busy everyday of every week.

I think that, if it wasn't for the fact that I work every evening, things would be a lot different. I'm so thankful for my job. 

So basically, I'm a bit stuck and feeling a bit lonely. I know I'm not lonely, but when you seem to spend most of your time at home or at work, it's hard not to feel like you are.

However, I have found that having so much spare time is giving me a chance to strengthen my relationship with God and really learn what it is to have a faith and to live for him. I've also managed to get things done that I wouldn't have been able to do if I was still in school. I've been able to spend more quality time with the people who are around and strengthen relationships with these people.

***

I wrote the first part of this post a few weeks ago, so I guess this is sort of updating it. I got an email from YWAM a week or so ago telling me that I've been accepted! Things are moving and I now have things to do in the run up to going away for 6 months. I'm arranging an event to raise a bit of money to go towards my DTS. I'm trying to think of the things I need to take with me, and things I need to get done before I go. I'm also still trying to spend time with God - especially just in everyday situations. I'm learning to turn to pray as soon as there's something I'm struggling with or if there's a situations that I'm unsure about. 

God's preparing me to move on from my past. School is behind me now. It doesn't feel strange that everyone is at school while I'm here writing and planning. It feels right. It is right. 

To stop the boredom and running out of things to do, I've started writing lists of things I want to get done by the end of the week. That way I have at least one thing to do each day so that I don't get bored and I know there's always something to do. 

I'm also trying to start getting Christmas presents sorted early and on a budget, rather than just going to poundland on the first day of the Christmas holidays, so that will keep me busy too!

If you feel like you want to, please pray for me as I take this next big step in my life - It is greatly appreciated.

'Oh I couldn't do that...'

I'm part of a family that fosters. It's tough. It's also amazing knowing that we can do something that makes such a huge difference in someone's life.

When we first started fostering, and even now when we talk to people about it, we are usually met with a typical 'Oh I couldn't do that, I'd get too attached', or 'I wouldn't be able to give them up'. This is what I want to talk about in this post. (this isn't a rant or me moaning about anyone - I just want to share something that might help people have conversations with foster carers in the future, or even if you're deciding if you want to foster but think it'll be too hard to say goodbye)

Firstly, this is how it sounds to a foster carer:
'Oh I couldn't do that, you must be made of rock and have no feelings of love towards a child in your care.'

Now, I know that people don't really mean that when they say it, and it's usually meant to say to the carer that they're doing something amazing. But it does feel like a bit of a knock down. We have feelings too. This is an emotional job. Every time we've passed a child on, there have been tears. It feels like a loss. In fact, it is a loss. But if we don't go through that because we decide we don't want to shed a few tears, these children will be left in care homes, or even with their parents, which can be really dangerous. We have to get attached to these children and show them love - it helps their brains develop so it's pretty vital!

I guess in short, what I'm trying to say is, when talking to someone who fosters, please don't say the typical 'Oh I couldn't do that because...'. Be supportive. Say that they're doing something really good and that they're really making a difference in that child's life. I know for a fact that my parents and brothers get emotional through the process of fostering, and so do I. We need support. We need to be reminded that we're doing a good thing and that the pain is worth it. All foster carers do.

Also, if you've been seriously thinking about fostering, but you're worried about getting too attached to a child, maybe that means that really you'd be good at it? It's really worth looking in to and it's so rewarding - and I speak from experience!

I Started Journalling

I've started journalling, and it's amazing!

For my birthday a few days ago, I was given a couple of notebooks from friends. I decided I would start journalling. I decided to start writing about things that are on my mind and things to think or pray about. so that's what I'm doing. I went to Starbucks yesterday with my notebook and pens. I just sat there with a coffee, headphones in listening to a soul survivor playlist, and I wrote. I wrote about everything that been on my mind. I wrote about work, about worship at church, relationships, prayers, my confusion over piercings and tattoos, and a lot more. It was nice to be able to read my thoughts. to think about them more clearly. If I have any more thoughts about anything, I can go back to the place I left off, rather than remembering my last thoughts about it in my head. I can look back and prayers to find that they have been answered. I can look back in a few months or even years time and see just how much things have changed.

It's also helping me to stay closer to God everyday, to turn to prayer before anything else. I feel more peaceful. I can put things into perspective and concentrate on the things God really wants me to.

I also sat at home with my Bible and notebook. I opened my Bible on a random page but then got distracted. I later glanced down at my Bible to see this verse:

So God can also use this time to speak to us.

Basically, start journalling - it'll change everything for you.

just a little update

I've been feeling so happy recently. The 3rd was the first day back at school for the rest of year 13, not for me though. I emailed the school about a week ago to say that I wasn't going back. It was definitely the right choice, and I'm now well on my way to starting YWAM.

I haven't just been sitting around at home all day though! I've been trying to get out and do things to keep me busy, and I've been working every evening the last week or so. It's been so lovely, and I've been able to get so many things done that I wouldn't have been able to if I was in sixth form. There's also a lot of forms to fill in to apply for YWAM, so that's something else to do!

This all just feels so right, and I know that this is what God wants me to do. It's still a bit tough getting used to not seeing some people every day any more, and knowing that soon things will be changing quite a lot, but I know that I will get through it all if I stick with God. He's been so close to me these past few weeks, and I know that I need to keep it that way so that he can keep guiding me down the right path.

It's my birthday soon too so that's something to keep me busy!!

A New Start: God spoke to me

It's been about 2 hours since I got back from soul survivor. I'm sitting in my room, listening to some music surrounded by bags that need to be unpacked. They can wait though. I'd rather write about some of the exciting things that God has been doing over the last five days. I knew that soul survivor would be an amazing experience, but I don't think I quite realised how amazing.

I'll admit, up until the Sunday (it started Friday evening) I didn't feel like God was saying anything to me. I had doubt in my mind, which looking back was pretty silly as God has done so many amazing this in my life and other peoples lives up until that point. But anyway, there I was, wondering if I would ever have an answer from God about what I had been praying for. This all ended up changing around pretty quickly!


I was speaking to one of the people I was camping with about what we thought God had been saying to us. He said how God was saying to him that God's timing is perfect and patience is needed. I felt like this was God saying to me that I needed to wait for him to answer my prayer at the right time.

I also spoke to someone about how God can move the mountains (such as mountains that can get in the way of things we want to do in our lives), and that maybe He was saying that there will be things that are going to get in the way, but that he will move them so we can carry on with his plan.

Then things got a bit crazy - amazing crazy.

We went to late night worship (me and the group of my fellow campers - now my family). There was a girl singing with a guitar, leading worship, and another girl with a violin. The worship leader had left a time of space near the end. people started singing out their own songs. someone started singing Mighty to Save. One of the lines in the song is 'saviour, he can move the mountains', as well as other songs about how God will guide us and show us the way and go with us. I sobbed. I knew God was telling me that things really are changing, just as I thought they would be before soul survivor.

On the Monday night in the main meeting, I prayed to God, and received prayer from others. I asked God a question. A question that has been on my mind since I started thinking about YWAM (youth with a mission - I wrote about it in my previous blog post). I didn't get an answer straight away again, so I left it, accepting that it might not need to be answered yet. I then sat down with my friend Max and asked him the question. He gave the answer I was expecting. I sobbed (again...).

*I know that last part doesn't make complete sense as I haven't said what the question was. I'm not saying it yet as I'm still praying about it and asking God to confirm things for me. It's also a much bigger story than just that so I'll be writing about that at a later date.*

So, there it was. The answer I needed. I felt so relieved. My faith grew so much stronger that night, and the night to follow. We were in the big top for the last evening meeting. We had a time of worship. They started to sing a song that me and Max have had on our hearts for the week. It was a song that really spoke to us about what we had been praying about. We turned to each other and smiled. A few minutes later, we simultaneously remembered what happened the night before when God answered my prayer. We turned to each other and mentioned the one word that it was all based around. We laughed and cried, filled with Gods joy. It was such an incredible experience. All my life I'd had that little thought in my mind, wondering if it was just people pretending, or getting caught up in what other people are doing. I know now that that's not true. Being filled with joy from the Holy spirit happens. I felt like I was spiritually over flowing (it's hard to describe, and that's the best I could do). This went on until the end of the worship - leaving us standing, laughing and crying in a room of about 7,500 people who were sitting down! We eventually managed to sit down and just relaxed in the presence of God. We celebrated at the end of the meeting, feeling so renewed and refreshed.

So here I am, writing a blog post that doesn't make complete sense, because God can be like that sometimes. There's so much else I want to write about, and will do soon. All I can say for the time being is that now I'm home, my new life has started. My life for God. No distractions from things such as School, time to focus on him and getting to know him again, and learning to live and do things for him, and things that honour him. There's a lot I need to change, and it's not going to be easy, but God can move mountains. He can help me with the struggles of letting go of things that I once relied on. This will be tough, but so worth it. I can't wait to see what this new life will hold for me. One thing I do know now is that I'm going to have a nice warm bath after a week of camping in the rain.

Results day: where do we go from here?

On the 13th I got my AS level results from sixth form. This was and wasn't a big deal to me. About half way through the year I almost left as it didn't seem like sixth form was the right choice for me. I started looking at other options; apprenticeships, college courses, anything we could find or think of. One thing we found was YWAM (youth with a mission). It sounded perfect! The only problem was, you have to be 18 or over to do it. So I stuck with sixth form and thought I would be able to somehow motivate myself to do well in subjects I mostly had no interest in.

So then came results day.

I wasn't worried or stressed about it until I pulled up to the school car park and walked into the building. By that point I felt sick. I felt so so sick and nervous about something that I knew was in God's hands. I collected my results. I opened the envelope. I saw the letters written down the page. Then it hit me. I cried. I hugged my friend and sobbed on her shoulder.

The page showed this:
U
E
D
U

I was gutted. (I needed at least E or above in all of my subjects to start year 13)

I pulled myself together and spoke to the head of sixth form about where to go from there. My options are to either restart my A levels with completely new subjects, or to leave the sixth form and go to another college or do an apprenticeship or some other type of course.
The day that this all happened, I was trying to persuade myself that I needed to stay. I needed to do my A levels and stay with my friends and go to prom like everyone else. When I got home, my mum started telling me that I should just leave and that I wouldn't do any better if I went back. I felt like she was telling me that I'm stupid and that I can't do it. I know that isn't what she meant at all but I was tired and emotional and just didn't want to think that I might have to step out of my comfort zone and do something new and different.

I got some sleep and spoke to mum with a clearer mind. I still wasn't sure on the whole leaving sixth form idea, but I listened to her ideas. She mentioned YWAM. I hadn't really thought about it after the last time... She pointed out that I'm 18 about 3 weeks into the next school year, meaning I could do YWAM instead of go back to sixth form. At the moment I'm feeling drawn to do this. I'm still not 100% sure what I'll be doing in a month's time. I just know that a lot is going to be changing, and I'm going to write about all (or at least most) of it on here.

This could be the beginning of the next chapter in my life. Then again it might not be - who knows?! (Well, God does, but you get the gist...)

There's so much more I could write about right now, but this post is already long enough... there will probably be a lot of posts over the next few weeks and months about what's going on - this is helping me get my thoughts straight, so there may be a lot of rambling - sorry in advance! And lastly, please pray for me if you can or want to - I need a lot of guidance from God in this one.